Love Yourself?

"Find something good about yourself and learn how to love yourself"

How do I even find something good about myself when all I see are my flaws? First of all, who am I even to begin with? Even though I have been alive for 22 years, I still can't find the words to describe myself. I am so full of uncertainties and doubts that my life just comes to a standstill. I find myself stuck at the same place unable to move forward. I don't know what to do nor what i want to do. Standing in front of a crossroad... not knowing which path to take.

Everyday repeats and I continue with my own boring routine. Sleep, eat and breathe. I look forward to sleeping everyday so that time will pass faster. I want to get out of this cycle but something keeps dragging me behind. It is so difficult to find your meaning and purpose in life. People say that you are the leader of your own life. How do I even take charge of my life when I have no direction to guide me?

It is only until recently that I kind of found my way. Even though my dream is still vague and hard to reach, it still serves as a small compass in my life. I realised it is okay to not have any direction, dream or motivation. It is okay to stumble, fall and make mistakes as long as you keep getting back up. Life is not a straight and smooth path. It is a long and tedious journey. No one can predict what the future holds and things might not turn out the way you want it to be.

In this fast paced world, you may feel that everyone around you seem to have some direction and goal. They are so ahead of you that you feel that you are lagging behind. The thing is that everyone has their own pace. Life is not about comparing yourself with others. Everyone has their own journey and path to take. So its okay to take things slow and everything will gradually start to fall in place. 

Even though everyone's path is different, we are bound to cross each other's paths one day. We may walk together or go our separate ways. However, you are not alone in this world.

Although I don't know your problems and situations, I will pray for you. I won't assure you that everything will be fine but things will get better if you believe that it will be. Whatever you are experiencing now, whether is it good or bad, it will pass. Life has to carry on.

Starting to love yourself is difficult but remember that your flaws are part of you and not whole of you. Only by accepting who you really are, then you will slowly learn how to hate yourself less and love yourself more.

x

Music (BTS)

If I have to describe my preference for music, I definitely cannot limit it to just one genre. Well the songs that I listen to are mostly Korean. Hence, this brings me to my point, Kpop. The reason I can't choose only one genre is the fact that Korean songs are not only pop, they are of different genres like Hip Hop, Ballads, Rap, R&B and Electronic etc. Typically, I listen to Korean Ballads, Kpop and Kdrama OSTs.

There are a handful of Korean artists that I listen to such as Bolbbalgan4/Bol4, AKMU, IU and Taeyeon. Kpop Bands/Groups like Gfriend, Astro and GOT7 etc. If I do song covers on Youtube, I usually opt for Kballads from solo artists. Whereas for dance covers, I would choose from Kpop Groups.

Okay. Lets get to the main content of this post. Based on the title, I am sure all of you would know what I am going to write about. YES!

💜 BTS 💜

I believe most of you have at least heard of BTS somewhere before. They are currently the biggest boyband in the world of Kpop. BTS is very popular and their international influence are getting larger each day. Due to the increasing popularity of BTS, people may label BTS as "mainstream" and "overhyped". However, I am not here to rant about their popularity and achievements or force you to become their fan. I just want to let you know the beauty and meaning of their music. 

First of all, I have to give a brief background about BTS. BTS stands for 방탄소년단 which is Bulletproof Boy Scouts or Beyond The Scene. The meaning of their group name is "to block out stereotypes, criticisms, and expectations that aim on adolescents like bullets". Whereas, the fandom name is ARMY which stands for Adorable Representative MC for Youth. These seven members of BTS started from the bottom with a small company (Big Hit Entertainment) with limited resources and opportunities. Since BTS is not from any of the Big 3 entertainment companies (SM, YG and JYP), they have to put in much more effort to spread their music and gain fans. It took 2 years just to win first place on a music broadcast show. Their perseverance of consistently improving and producing quality music and content took them to great heights in this saturated Kpop industry.

Looking beyond their visuals, BTS has a unique way of conveying and expressing their music. From the very beginning of debut to now, an intricate and complicated storyline is set in place. BTS started out with a bang "No More Dream" questioning the youths about their dreams and mentality of conforming to others expectations. This leads to their next title song "N.O" where it revolves around breaking the norm and peer pressure of studying for good grades. As one enters the youth phase, love would start to develop. BTS then started the "Youth Trilogy" era which focuses on the feelings experienced during growth. "Boy in Love" mainly expresses their feelings towards their crush. When one enters a relationship, some may experience less reciprocated love from the other party. BTS then conveys these feelings with the title song "Danger". Then comes "I Need You" where one experiences longing for the other party after the relationship has ended.

Afterwhich, BTS released the 'The Most Beautiful Moment In Life' series which mainly focuses on the difficulties experienced by youth ranging from failed relationships to having no direction in life. The title song "Run" depicts the youth running away from their problems. "Fire" expresses how youth respond to their problems by setting everything on fire and not caring about any consequences. "Dope" describes how BTS working hard for success compared to other youths who are wasting their life away. Then comes "Save me" which is basically a cry for help. BTS then ends this series with an epilogue "Young Forever" where it expresses the short and fleeting phase of youth where most are still trying to find their way and dream.

Where there is light, there is darkness. Temptations and bad influences will start to appear in life especially for youths who are lost in a maze and easily affected by their environment. With that, BTS started the 'Wings' era with each member having their own solo songs reflecting on particular issues. This varies from the influence of money and drinking to mistakes like accidental murder, lying and domestic abuse. This era was the era where BTS popularity skyrocketed. Mini short clips about each member was released one by one. These clips were not explained and left open-ended for the audience to interpret. Many ARMYs came out with different theories reflecting on various issues regarding mental health, death from suicide or accidents and connections between each member's story.

After facing all these so called bad influences and consequences. BTS released the 'You never walk alone' album. "Spring Day" depicts the longing for a lost friend which might be a consequence from the mistakes made during the 'Wings' era. On the other hand, "Not Today" encourages the youth to fight and survive against all odds.

Then comes a bigger era, the 'Love Yourself" series, where there are 4 albums 'Her', 'Wonder', 'Tear' and 'Answer'. The 'Her' album with the title song "DNA" expressing the feelings of new found love or destiny. 'Wonder' with the main song "Euphoria" revolving around the feeling of happiness and euphoria from experiencing love (either from friends, family or lovers). However the next mini-album 'Tear' with the title song "Fake Love" shows that this new found love was actually fake and not true. 'Answer' is the last album with "Epiphany" describing the realisation and importance of loving myself first. Other than the main storyline, there are other songs like "Idol"which shows how BTS respond to fame; "Mic Drop" is BTS response to haters and "Magic Shop" is an appreciation song for ARMY.

Last but not least, BTS then releases the latest album 'Map of the Soul: Persona' which expresses their feelings of finding themselves. This album is more personal for BTS where most of their songs are dedicated to ARMY.

What sets BTS different from other artists is the intricate story telling, hidden meanings/ interpretations and purposeful lyrics. Most of their songs are self-composed/written/produced. These beautiful melodies are accompanied with amazing visual representation (music videos, short films, prologues and epilogues) and highly synchronised/emotional dance choreography. As a youth myself, I can relate to their music very well as the problems that I facing is quite similar. Moreover, their meaningful lyrics and stories speaks to me and brings out a light in me. Their music gave me the strength, motivation and inspiration to move forward in life and chase after my dreams.

Oof... this is a very long post. All in all, this is just my personal opinion and feelings about BTS music. I might not be accurate about their storyline and the meaning of each song/album. How I wish I could understand Korean so I could appreciate the Korean lyrics better as the English translated lyrics might not carry the original complete meaning. Even though their songs are mostly in Korean, I believe that music could transcend language.

If you have not listened to BTS before, you could give them a try! Whether you like it or not, I respect your choice and music preference :)

Thank you for reading until here! <3

P.S. Those in 'name' are album titles while "name" are title songs.

Each member wearing outfits of different era/album starting from left to right

Meaningful BTS Lyric Quotes

• The dawn right before the sunrise is the darkest - 해가 뜨기 전 새벽이 가장 어두우니까 (BTS - Tomorrow)
• If it’s for you, I can act strong even when it hurts - 널 위해서라면 난 아파도 강한 척 할 수가 있었어 (BTS - Fake Love)
• Even when I fall and hurt myself. I keep running toward my dream - 넘어져 다치고 아파도 끝없이 달리네 꿈을 향해 (BTS - Young Forever)
• If you seem like you're going to crash, step harder, kid - 부딪힐 것 같으면 더 세게 밟아 임마 (BTS Suga - Nevermind)
• I’m the one I should love in this world. Me, who shines, my precious soul. - 빛나는 나를 소중한 내 영혼을 (BTS Jin - Epiphany)
• Days when you hate that you’re you. Days when you wanna disappear. Let’s make a door in your heart - 내가 나인 게 싫은 날, 영영 사라지고 싶은 날. 문을 하나 만들자 너의 맘 속에다 (BTS - Magic Shop)
• I want you to be your light, baby. You should be your light. I want you to be your night, baby. You could be your night (BTS Jimin - Promise)
• Gonna breathe a little slower. Cuz my life and my rap, they're usually too fast - 조금만 느리게 숨쉴래. 평소엔 내 삶도 내 랩도 너무 빠르니까. (BTS RM - Forever Rain)
• The world will never know how sad I am. My pain is water and oil that can't mix - 세상은 절대로 몰라. 내가 얼마나 슬픈지를. 내 아픔은 섞일 수 없는 물과 기름 (BTS - Whalien 52)
• Even if I'm slow I will walk with my own feet. Because I know this path is mine to take - 좀 느려도 내 발로 걷겠어. 이 길이 분명 나의 길이니까 (BTS - Lost)
• It's okay come on when I say one two three, forget it. Erase all sad memories. Hold my hand and smile - 괜찮아 자 하나 둘 셋 하면 잊어. 슬픈 기억 모두 지워. 내 손을 잡고 웃어 (BTS - Two! Three!)
• Where there is hope, there are trials - 희만기 이는 고세 반드시 시려니 이네 (BTS - Sea)
• In a sigh, lots of worries are hiding. Stop thinking about it, You already know it all. In the middle of the road, in the moment you want to give up. Shout out louder. So what, what, what. - 한숨 그 안에 많은 걱정이 숨어있네. 고민 그만해 너는 이미 다 알고 있지. 이 길의 중간에 포기하고 싶은 순간에. 더 크게 소리질러봐 (BTS - So What)
• The me of yesterday, the me of today, the me of tomorrow (I'm learning how to love myself). Every last one of them is me - 어제의 나 오늘의 나 내일의 나 (I'm learning how to love myself) 빠짐없이 남김없이 모두 다 나 (BTS - Love Myself)
• 'Who am I' the question I had my whole life. The question which I probably won't find an answer to my whole life - 나는 내 인생을 모두 요구해왔다. 어쩌면 평생 동안 내 문제에 대한 해결책을 찾을 수 없습니다 (BTS RM - Persona)
• The later the night gets, the brighter the starlight - 밤이 깊을수록 더 빛나는 별빛 (BTS - Mikrokosmos)

University

I was a Chemistry major in NUS for my first semester in year 1. After going through appeals and interviews, I was finally able to transfer into Food Science and Technology (FST) in the second semester of year 1. Since I did not take my FST modules in the first semester, I had to take certain modules with my junior batch. This is awkward as the juniors already formed cliques and I feel like I am intruding into their cohort. Oh well...

It was initially difficult to adjust to university as I am from polytechnic. The content is much deeper and complicated. However, the freedom to choose unrestricted electives and arrange my timetable is sweet. I actually wanted to join a CCA in university but I chose to focus on my studies. My polytechnic experience of managing studies and CCA was quite challenging. Therefore, I decided to not join any CCAs. I am definitely missing out on the university experience but its kay. 

Year 1 was basically the foundation modules where I had to take chemistry, life science and statistics modules. I didn't really like year 1 because it was basically science modules which is not much of an interest to me. Year 2 was a little bit better because there are some FST modules like Food Analysis, Post-harvest Food Processing, Food Safety etc. 

Currently, I am a year 3 FST student and the modules I am taking are much more interesting. Food Product Development and Packaging is my favourite module so far. Although our schedule is quite packed from Idea Conception, Formulation Trials, Market Research to Sensory Analysis. I hope our product would turn out well *prays hard*.

From my previous blog post of "Crossroad", I really want to thank those who have supported me during this transition phase. I was stuck at a crossroad, not knowing what my future would be like in the Chemistry major route. After I was able to transfer to FST, I heaved a sigh of relief. 

During the days of uncertainties and worries, the music that I listened to helped me to gain strength and courage. The music is none other than BTS music! Their lyrics, melodies and visual representation (MVs, webtoons and posters etc.) have deep meanings and purpose. They do not only sing typical love songs. They sing about the frustrations, uncertainties, hope and dreams of the youths. I will stop here for now and leave my thoughts in another post.

I may have found meaning in life with a purpose of helping people. My current dream and goal is to do research and product development in functional food with health benefits. Although the journey may be long but I wish to help people recover and heal with natural food instead of medicine. I have been thinking about this for quite a long time. After gaining some research and product development experience, I may start up a food company selling these functional food with my beloved family and friends.  

Credits to the owners of the pictures above.

Crossroad

Here I am, standing in front of a crossroad once again. With different paths set out for me, I am still not sure which path to take. Even though it is time for me to transition into the next phase of my life, I am still not ready. I am worried, uncertain and full of doubts. Everyday I will ponder and ask myself if this is the right path for me but I got no answers. The naive me in the past thought that I could venture into the career path of being a food research scientist. However, my results could not attain a spot in the stringent and popular course of study (FST) at NUS. I had no choice but to accept the offer to study Chemistry at the same university.

It then dawned upon me that life doesn't go the way we want sometimes. We don't always get our preferred choice but we can determine our attitude towards it. As long as we are still living, there are many opportunities to seek and experiences to gain. Who might know that I could discover another interest or passion along this path?

Credits to the owner of the picture above.

Basketball

"Shoot", "Aim", "Just a little more strength", "Prepare yourself before you shoot" and "Out, go clear the ball" were the phrases that I always hear when I play basketball. It is interesting how strangers could come together and just play a match without even knowing each other well. Once the match starts, each of the players naturally assume their spots - center, rebound, point guard, power forward, shooting guard and small forward.

Basketball is a sport that uses a lot of physical and mental strength. Moreover, I don't exercise regularly nor do I have the strength or stamina to play well in a match. Since young, I watched my cousins play basketball at the corner of the court. As I'm a beginner, I often get left out whenever my cousins play matches with other people. Just by watching the aggressive plays at the center, I felt scared and not confident.

It was not until recently, I started playing basketball again. This time, I decided to learn basketball seriously. First things first, I need to learn how to shoot. After shooting a few balls at the same spot before moving further away from the ring, I started to gain more confidence as I keep scoring. As a beginner, I just stayed around the same spot as a small forward during matches and wait for the ball to be passed to me. Having the mindset of "I can do this" or "This ball will get in" is very important. If you are distracted, not confident or pressured, you definitely will not score which explains why basketball is mentally and physically tiring.

The ability to make decisions on the spot, distract or pressurise others is something basketball taught me. To shoot or pass, to block or stay free is the decisions that you will need to make as you play. Furthermore, you must not back down after a few mistakes and have the mindset of "I'll do better next time" so that your team mates will trust you to score for the team.

Basketball. Difficult but Interesting. Tiring but Fun. Competitive but Teamwork.

Creation of Youtube Channel

It has been a long time since I wrote something on this blog. I have to make an announcement :) I have created a Youtube Channel called Colours ClS (ClS as cls which is short form for colours and also Come Listen to Someone). After much thinking and imagining what my life would be in the future, I decided to return back to my roots. Singing, Dancing, Painting and Drawing which is 4 cores that stay rooted in my heart since young.

This channel serves to be a medium of common language which is music regardless of different genres such as Kpop and English etc. and modes of delivery such as singing, dancing, acting, videography or drawings/paintings. It doesn't matter if there's a lot of us but with a strong will to inspire people to help themselves and discover their own strengths and weakness, I believe that this channel will light the spark within people's hearts. 

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Even though I painted a beautiful picture of the youtube channel above, I had to say that this channel did not work out as I planned it to be. I originally wanted to form a team with my friends and post various videos of different content but we did not have the time to meet up often and practise. That is why I decided to use my own youtube channel as a platform instead. Since I am the one who is determined to upload videos, it will be better to put myself out there with my own profile.

With that being said, here is the link to my youtube channel: www.youtube.com/turtleclar

I hope you all look onto my channel favourably and enjoy watching my videos of singing and dancing. I may post some sign language/song signing videos with singing/dancing.

Singapore Polytechnic Sign Language Club (SPSLC) Family

Singapore Polytechnic have so many CCAs available for the freshies to sign up for such as vocal talents, SDZ, CSCC, Library club etc. At first, I was interested in joining Vocal Talents as singing is my favorite hobby and I was a choir girl in secondary school :)

I went straight to their booth and signed up for the auditions. Since I was afraid, I asked my friend to audition with me and we both went for it. Singing in front of the 3 'judges' was terrifying as I was being judged for my singing ability. I didn't sang well so I got eliminated in the end. With no CCA in mind, I went to search for any interesting CCAs online. After being rejected for my singing ability, I searched for clubs instead since I am not a sporty person.

Library club and Sign language club stood out to me. However, SPSLC was my choice. My mother convinced me into signing up for it as sign language is great skill to learn! I'm glad that I didn't make the wrong choice. SPSLC is the type of club that I wanted to belong to. The beautiful language, the warm hearted people, acts of community service and involvement with the deaf makes my life in polytechnic worthwhile.

Being in this CCA really sculpted me into someone that I never imagine myself as. In the past, I was just a quiet girl and I liked staying at home with just a few close friends. Right now, I became more confident, a servant leader and more outspoken. I gained many close friends which is now an important aspect of my life.

Committing myself to SPSLC and contributing to this club as the main committee is the best decision I've made. Being an instructor teaching sign language to my juniors is also a great experience. Song signing performances are the most tedious and yet beautiful art where signs, emotions, synchro, choreography and bonding takes place. Strong bonds, strong ties. All the tears and blood that we shared while training ourselves under our mentors to become the future leaders of SPSLC is worth it. Even though we just stepped up, we hope to carry this club and light the passion in our next batch of future leaders!

"Wings" Song Signing Perfomance @ Sign for SG50

Song Signing Performance @ Siemens

Staycation

Last Committee Photo @ AGM

Polytechnic

I'm currently a year 2 student enrolled in Singapore Polytechnic and I'm taking a course in Diploma in Food Science and Technology :)

Taking the polytechnic route was the greatest choice that I made in my life. The all rounded experience and making friends from different walks of life was the highlight of my whole poly life. Even though my O level grades were good enough to enter a good JC, I went for a diploma instead as I hated mugging especially for General Paper.

When I was year 1, I was lost like a sheep. I felt alone as none of my close friends from secondary school came to SP especially my best friend. Facing with a presentation as soon as I came in, I felt super stressed and I felt like turning the clock back to my secondary school days.

Not wanting to feel the same way again, I plucked my courage to initiate conversations and make friends with my classmates. Right now, we 'same height same size' is 5 girls clique :D battling the hectic poly projects, assignments, exams and presentations together!

Our First Formal Presentation